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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  July 17, 2014 7:29pm-8:01pm PDT

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[cheering and applause] a top dog. first, if you're like many of our viewers, you ask me if i like getting blown. no, i'm just kidding. [laughter] weird. sometimes the q&a in the beginning gets a little out of hand is what i'm saying, but if you're like many of our viewers, you're probably watching this show right now while driving. and if that's the case, stop! very dangerous, not because it pulls your focus from the road but because of the road itself. >> the federal highway trust fund is about to become insolvent. >> jon: oh, my god! [laughter] first of all, i can't believe our federal highways have a trust fund. get a job. your parents didn't pull themselves up from gravel just to have you lay there.
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well, actually... now, i know our federal highways are the vital circulatory system of our nation's commerce, but what exactly happens if it loses its trust fund? >> the highway trust fund runs dry next month. upkeep and repairs needed for an aging highway system. 65% of roads are in less-than-good condition. 25% of bridges need significant repair. this bridge collapse in washington state is a cautionary tale. >> jon: hmm. [laughter] well, what if instead of funding our highway system, we just don't travel to washington state? [laughter] >> if we don't pass this transportation bill now, a lot of very bad things happen very soon. >> jon: did you just bleep threaten me? is that what you did? "you know what our highway system gives me? enthusiasms." [laughter] we've been down this... uh, uh,
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uh... that's not... [cheering and applause] all right. i'll give you that. take your time. look, this whole crumbling infrastructure thing, we have been down this, um, what do they call those, it's like a flat thing? you drive on them? there's one that has yellow bricks. where we're going we don't need them. one of them goes to wellville. anyway, congress is presented with a pressing problem that requires some money. who knows how this goes, a year and a half and two government shutdowns later the problem is still there and a couple 80-year-olds are caught trying to break into the world war ii memorial. >> lawmakers in the house voted overwhelmingly to extend highway funding with nearly $11 million. >> that keeps transportation funding going through may of next year. >> putting off the larger issue so it can be fought over yet again. [cheering and[bleeped]
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[laughter] >> jon: so they threw a little money it a, just a little bit, and then just kicked the can down the -- oh, what is that thing you kick the can down? it's paved with good intentions? i went to perdition on it. no. boy, no, no, no, i have, honestly, like we wrote 100 of these. i feel like at this point i can't even put you through it anymore. i mean to remember this word you'd have to be some kind of, oh, what kind of scholar is that? [cheering and applause] i feel dirty. [laughter] so why did the highway trust fund run out of money anyway? how do we normally fund this thing? >> the highway trust fund gets revenue from an 18.4 cent gallon gas tax set back in 1993. but 21 years later, the tax has stayed flat. >> 1993.
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for god's sake, back then gas was $1.07 and a car was $11,000 and getting blown in the back of one was considered the height of sophistication. [laughter] so wait. this is easy then to fund the highways, all you got to do is raise the gas tax -- [alarm sounds] shut that off! i'm just sphairk we tracked it with inflation it would be up to 30 cents a gallon now, so just by raising the gas tax -- [alarm sounds] oh, son of a bitch. not going to happen, it is? >> we're not going to get to a long-term highway bill here over the next couple months. >> this is so stupid. we pay for our highways with the gas tax since the start of the interstate system. president obama, tell the republicans to suck it up and get that gas tax back up to where it's meant to be. >> president obama's plan also makes no mention of the gas tax.
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>> jon: son of a... and you call yourself a tax-and-spend liberal. how you going to pay for this? >> we pay for this transportation project in part by closing tax loopholes for companies that ship jobs overseas and avoid paying their fair share of taxes. >> jon: interesting. certainly to one woman in the audience. [laughter] who seemingly forgot that she was no longer in her living room and thought, why not just shout at the tv while i'm at it. [laughter] amazingly, if we want to get to point a in solving trust fund with crumbling bridges to point b, solvent trust fund with fixed bridge, we can take a direct route, raise the gas tax with the rate of inflation, or make a slight detour through off-shore loophole boulevard.
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these are two reasonable and efficacious ways to fix our crumbling infrastructure. so how did we actually raise the $11 billion stopgap measure, mar economical fix that doesn't come with all the features like power windows or fixed brings? >> to raise that money the plan would use an approach called pension smoothing, which allows employers to delay contributions to pensions plans. that generates more tax dollars since pension payments are tax deductible. >> jon: pension smoothing. i've never heard [bleeped] called "smoothing" before. so instead of going directly from point a to point b, which is how we should have done it, instead of going directly from point a to point b or taking a minor route, here's what we're doing, pension smoothing. basically companies are allowed to reduce their pension obligations to their employees, thus giving them a higher profit margin on which they pay more tax. for this year, to the tune of 11
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billion. of course, if they're to make good on those pension obligation, they will get to claim much higher tax breaks in the future, and the government will lose that money. once again living up to the motto, over the capitol building's door larktsen phrase meaning, [bleeped] it. we'll probably all be dead in ten years anyway. you know, it's crazy how the wealthiest most powerful country in the world seem folks pend its energy to get absolutely nowhere. if only this highway funding situation provided maybe a visual representation of how we operate. >> it's so exciting. i haven't been on the road in a long time. >> mr. obama seemed tone joy his moment of virtual freedom. the president drove even fit was oonly in a simulator. he cruised down a virtual highway. >> jon: yep. it feels like we're getting somewhere, but we ain't. we'll be right back. [cheering and applause]
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stuart! stuart! ♪ check it out. this my account thing. we can tweet directly toa comcast expert for help. or we can select a time for them to call us back. the future, right? ♪ this doesn't do it for you? [ doorbell rings, dog barks ] oh, that's what blows your mind -- the advanced technology of a doorbell.. [ male announcer ] tweet an expert and schedule a callback from any device. introducing the xfinity my account app.
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[cheering and applause] >> jon: welcome back. you know, far long time now, we found out our intelligence agencies have spied on us, tapping our phones, stretching our e-mail, watching us while we bathe. yes, while we bathe! well, guess what, it's payback time. >> we're learning about trouble at the central intelligence agency. >> thanks not freedom of information, a we now have access to all kinds of information that otherwise we probably never would have seen the light of day. [laughter] >> jon: that's what i'm talking about. the spiers have become the spy-ees. c.i.a., this is going to be juicy. what are we going to hear about, espionage, poisoning the russians? what do we got? >> the web site muckrock filed an official government request to see the c.i.a. staffers' comments about the lunchroom in
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langley, virginia. [laughter] >> jon: [bleeped]. yes, apparently cafeteria complaints are what we found out. apparently when our intelligence professionals aren't sending drones after terrorist, they're sending bitchy e-mails about their lunch. the e-mails with everything from preferring individual ketchup pacts to pump bottles to inadequate almond portions and diet pepsi coming out of the regular pepsi side. fascinating. apparently at the c.i.a., even the sodas go undercover as other sodas. now, we're very fortunate tonight. we have a c.i.a. employee who is ready to leak more information to us about this scandal. obviously anything regarding this c.i.a. highly sensitive. we have taken great pains to conceal his or her identity.
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thank you so much for joining us tonight, sir or ma'am. >> uh-huh. [laughter] >> jon: if you don't mind, could you read us some more of these actual complaint e-mails from the c.i.a. >> okay. well, if you must know, i was very aggravated at buying a subway sandwich and going back to my desk to eat to find the bread stale and crunchy hard. i had to eat the inside and throw the bread out. >> jon: i'm sorry. obviously we appreciate you taking this risk, sir. are you sure we're doing enough to conceal your identity, because this is... >> what? my face is hidden. silhouette. i could be anybody. where was i? now, why doesn't the burger king
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facility here offer the same dollar menu as the outside facility? why can't there be nicer food handlers? what is the deal with that? [laughter] >> jon: not to harp on this point. i am concerned, sir. your voice is somewhat distinctive, and that last part that you just said sounded a bit like a catchphrase. i don't even think it was in the e-mail. >> distinctive, no, normal voice. you can't identify someone just by their voice. why do you think when you call someone, you say hi, it's so and so. otherwise they'd have no idea who they were talking to. the worst is when someone calls and say, "hey, it's me. who's me? i don't know anymore named me. you're someone else." >> jon: this all sounds very much like -- >> not now! >> giddy-up. >> jon: sir, your cover is... i think we may have slightly
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compromised your cover, sir. >> what coverful ? i'm covered. cover yourself. the jazz salad was supposed to be a sonoma grape and pro shoe to, so i stand in line and there's no grapes. no grapes in the salad. >> jon: i don't know what a jazz salad is. >> it's like a regular salad but jazzier. how much clearer could that be? >> jon: i think you're in a lot of danger right now. >> i'll tell you who is in danger, these people eating nothing but burger king, subway and salads filled with jazz. i mean, who are... >> jon: these people? >> yes. who are these people? they're looking for softer subway bread. they should be looking for a treadmill. their thighs. if inconspicuous is what you're going for, maybe wheezing is not the best tactic. >> we appreciate you coming by,
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sir. we know you put yourself in tremendous danger to do this. it's the type of thing that... >> did i stay behind the thing? [cheering and applause] >> jon: i don't think it matters anymore. just go. i'll bring you out during the guest segment. it's fine. we'll be right back. it's fine. just go. i'm living the life of dreams. i'm living the life of dreams, with good people all around me. i'm living the life of dreams. no! i'm living the life of dreams. i'm feeling hopefully. feeling quite hopefully, it's right up here, turn right, turn right. with good people all around me. right, right, right, right, right! with good people all around me. ok look you guys, she's up here somewhere. with good people all around me. there she is! ra! come here girl! m feeling hopefully. ok look you guys, she's up here somewhere. d the light shines bright all with rough the night.around me. oh i don't know it. and the light shines bright all through the night. yes, you do. and the light shines bright all rough the night. oh i d42.t know it. d the light shines bright allll rough the night.t. good job.u do. d the light shines bright allll rough the night. oh i d42.t know it. d the light shines bright allll rough the night.t. good job.u do. dd our dreams are making usllll rougce stories.. oh i d42.t know it. dd my loves are well sleepingll rougst right.ht.t.
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and i know know know know now... ...that we're, living the life of dreams... dreams... there's no monsters down here, [music fades out] dreams...dreams...dreams... it's just mr. elephant. come on, let's get to bed.
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>> jon: welcome back. my guest tonight has a very distinctive style. his guest series is called "comedians in cars getting coffee." >> so i used to put 50-pound bags of lime in the back. when i went to my prom, i had to take the girl in my grandma, so i had a cast, mr. jinx had to go to the vet on my prom night. >> just a setup here. if you just stop there, i love this setup so much. cats, gremlin, prom night, lime bags. you got four barrels of comedy. >> i think you know where this is going. >> i don't care. i'm already satisfied. >> jon: please welcome back to the program jerry seinfeld. [cheering and applause]
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please. i never saw that. the animation. >> the animation. i had to animate the story. >> jon: i loved it. >> did you know that i did that? did i tell you that you did that? >> jon:. no, no, no. >> so jon tells this hilarious story about his prom night that was so complicated and bizarre with various stenches and urine and bleeding --. >> jon: not mine. mostly not mine. >> mostly not yours. sometimes when someone tells a really crazy story, we turn it into a cartoon. >> jon: i like it very much. my favorite part often a nation looks like my head with acne. >> that's prom night. >> jon: that's an accurate representation of my head. this show, i cannot tell you how excited i was when you asked me to do this, because now it has become one of those shows, like winning an award, like when you call and go, do you want to be
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on "comedians in cars getting coffee"? i'm like, yes! i've made it. it's that kind of thing for comedians. >> that's great. jon yawn you don't know? >> i don't know. when you do the thing, you don't know what's going on out there. >> jon: this is not an evening at the improv. this is a very select club that you're allowing people into. i was very excited. >> it is a very personal... it's like people that i dig for whatever reason or another. and here's what's great about it, you'd be doing this anyway. >> anyway. yeah. i still have to eat. >> jon: right. >> and get a cup of coffee. but i figured out a way to make it a show. >> jon: and you often get breakfast with other comics. you often get coffee with other comics. this is, what, season four? >> four. they're only six-episode seasons. >> jon: scwowr really putting in the time.
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>> yeah, yes, yes. >> jon: you're doing six episodes of something you'd be doing anyway. >> yeah, right. so i'm having breakfast at least six times a year. >> jon: with comedians. >> yes. >> jon: do you think when the production schedulek becomes too taxing the show becomes comedians in cabs bringing jerry coffee? >> yes. that could be. >> jon: it changes. >> yes. jerry puts his feet up. >> jon: we went out to new jersey to this diner. >> the ticktock. >> jon: the ticktock, which turned out and i didn't know, because you don't tell people where they're going. if show is about trust. >> yes. >> jon: you pull up and say, get in my car, and we just go. >> right. so jon is the season finale of season four, those of you that actually watch the show. and it was great episode.
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not only did we talk about death and cancer, but we found a way to work in hitler and concentration camps. we did. >> jon: what are you going to do. >> and cremation. i talked how i wanted to be cremated and ashed poured on a beach. and you said, "don't you they would disturb the people on the beach." and i said... you said, "what are you people doing"? well, we're spreading jerry seinfeld. i thought people would go, oh, i love that show. >> i love that show. let me see the ashes. it turns out the diner we went to is the diner after my grandfather's funeral because if you take me to new jersey almost anywhere, chances are one of my relatives is buried nearby. and so we went to this diner, and then to the pet store.
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>> then to the pet store. there's another thing i have to plug on the show. >> jon: please. >> we came up with a new... so we do these six episodes. then the show goes away for four months. >> jon: you have to rest. >> we have to rest. >> jon: you get out your inhaler. >> i'm tired. a little piece of toast, and stirring the coffee. >> jon: it's terrible. >> so we made up a new show that's going to exist between the seasons called single shot, like a little espresso. >> jon: nice. >> so every thursday now at noon, there will be a two-minute episode with five or six comedians talking about the same thing that we made from stuff we already have in the vault. >> jon: oh, my god, are you so bleep lazy. let me tell you something, i'm our here night after night, night after night, seinfeld. you're taking... you don't even do it. you have an editor. >> i have already been the guy who pisses you off the most
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because the way i figured out tv, that you do it once and then you get to stop. so now i've done it again. i've done it again. >> it's so brilliant. i always say to him, you did the perfect show for the perfect amount of time, and it lives only i still watch your show ever night. when i leave here, that's it. nobody cares. i leave here, my ashes are spread. brilliant stuff. well, as always, always so nice to see you. one of my favorites, young man. "comedians in cars getting coffee" and comedians in cars getting coffee dot com. jerry seinfeld. ♪ efficiency performance safety integrated technology these are things you can learn... and then there are the things... (engine starting) you're just born with (car engine)
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stuart! stuart! ♪ check it out. this my account thing. we can tweet directly toa comcast expert for help. or we can select a time for them to call us back. the future, right? ♪ this doesn't do it for you? [ doorbell rings, dog barks ] oh, that's what blows your mind -- the advanced technology of a doorbell.. [ male announcer ] tweet an expert and schedule a callback from any device. introducing the xfinity my account app. >> that's our show. join us tomorrow night at 11:00. here it, is your moment of zen. >> in terms of grumpy cat, everybody knows grumpy cat. what is grumpy cat's personality? we know grumpy cat's face, but what's the personality of gulf war syndromey cat?
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and you're letting your desire for each other but these days, you can never be too sure they aren't going to dispute whether the sex was consensual. mm, mm... wait a minute, wait a minute. before we go any further... which is why this night calls for... the love contract. what's this? nothing. it's just a document saying that you're a willing participant in this sexual experience, baby. well, i am. just sign here and here. and initial there for oral. oral? i'ma do you, too. o.k. and just initial there if you decline anal. [audience laughing] unless, of course you... no, no, no, it's not going down. pretty much standard, o.k. i don't know about you, but i'm still horny. let's do this, girl. oh! oh! make me feel good. the love contract... because you'd hate to catch a beef